For everyone whose lives have been touched by cancer, please welcome Marissa Henley. After interviewing her about her new book on the Heart of the Author Podcast, I asked her to write a guest post. Listen HERE.
How to Support Your Friend with Cancer
by Marissa Henley
If this hasn’t happened to you yet, it’s likely to happen someday . . . Your phone buzzes, and you look down to see a call from your friend who’s expecting biopsy results. The minute you hear her voice, you know: it’s cancer.
As you process your shock, sadness, and fear, you wonder how you should walk this road with your friend. How can you support her as she endures treatment and survivorship? How will you avoid doing or saying the wrong thing? What does she need most?
I’ve gotten that phone call from a friend. I’ve also been the tearful voice on the other end of the line.
In October 2010, I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called angiosarcoma. I endured several months of chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery, most of which took place 700 miles away at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, Texas. My friends cared for my young children and my home, meals showed up three times a week, and the prayers of thousands encouraged and sustained me.
When a friend is diagnosed, we have an opportunity to show Christ’s love as we come alongside her with our service and support. But too often, we hesitate because we’re afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. Even as a survivor, I struggle to know how to encourage friends in the midst of cancer and other health crises. This isn’t easy to navigate! Although I’m here to share tips I’ve learned along the way, I want you to know I’m a fellow struggler. We’re all in this together as we seek to love our friends well.
Consider your circle
The first step to supporting a friend in a health crisis is to evaluate where you fall in her circle of friends. Are you one of a few close, inner circle friends? A middle circle friend with common interests who socializes occasionally? Or an outer circle acquaintance?
In these days of social media, it’s easy to be confused about the level of our friendship. Knowing what she ate for breakfast yesterday doesn’t make you an inner circle friend. We also need to realize that each of the circles has an important role to play. If you’re an outer circle friend, don’t quit reading! Your friend needs you.
Inner circle friends care for the most personal, intimate needs: caring for the woman with cancer physically and emotionally, her family, and the inside of her home. Middle circle friends should focus on tasks such as running errands, grocery shopping, yard work, and providing transportation. Outer circle friends, you have three big responsibilities: pray, communicate support, and bring food.
Make a specific offer
When you offer to help your friend, try to avoid saying,
“Let me know how I can help.”
I know you’re sincere when you say this to your friend. But she’s hearing it from so many people right now. She may wonder if people are sincere, or if they just don’t know what else to say. And she’s probably too overwhelmed to match general offers of help with her specific needs.
If you want your friend to take you up on your offer, try to be as specific as possible. Here are some examples:
- I’d love to bring you a meal next week. Would Monday or Wednesday work best?
- I’ve got free time next Friday afternoon. I’d love to take your kids to the park while you rest, or I could run some errands for you. What would be the most helpful?
- I’ve noticed that our kids are on the same baseball team this summer. Could I give your son a ride to practice each week?
If she says no at first, don’t be discouraged. She might not be ready to accept help yet. Just keep offering from time to time, and she’ll feel loved by your desire to help.
Keep communicating your support
If your friend is facing a lengthy health battle, you’ll want to communicate support over and over again. You can ease the burden on your friend by letting her know she doesn’t need to respond. Send a text saying, “I’m praying for you today! You don’t need to write me back – just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”
Does your friend post online updates to a blog or social media site? You could “like” her post (and please do!), but she won’t know if you actually read it. Commenting on her updates is a meaningful way to show support and doesn’t require her to respond.
Your note could say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that the chemo side effects have been so difficult. I’m praying for you!” Or, “Thank you for keeping us posted on your upcoming surgery. I’m praying for you as you face this next step.” Specific comments such as these will encourage your friend and let her know you cared enough to read her update and pray for her.
Finally, let’s all remember that the Lord will care for our friends even when we fall short. We’ll inevitably make mistakes or say the wrong thing. There will be needs we can’t meet. But we can place our hope in the One who will faithfully and perfectly meet our friend’s every need. Our Heavenly Father will give us wisdom as we seek to love and serve our friends by His grace.
Marissa Henley is a Christ-follower, wife, mom, and survivor of a rare cancer who lives in Northwest Arkansas. Her new book, Loving Your Friend Through Cancer, releases May 31 and is now available for pre-order. Most days, you’ll find her drinking a latte while shuttling her three kids around town, wondering if the dog will ever learn to stay and if she’ll ever love cooking as much as her husband loves eating.
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