Wrecked; hot tears flowed from my eyes and lava oozed up from the cracks in my soul. I should have let the call go to voicemail. Gulping for a breath between sobs, I answered the phone anyway. Probably not a good idea; people are not used to seeing me like this. Normally, I am the cheerleader giving a pep talk. It’s not like my mind to wander to such dark places. But after all I have been through, I simply cannot imagine going backward.
At least I had sense enough to cancel my podcast. It surely wouldn’t do to sniffle on the air, although when I did eventually record, my co-host barked several times.
When my life turned upside down from myasthenia gravis, I trusted The Lord. He blessed me with a year of Sabbath rest and I leaned into it with supernatural peace. When I got markedly stronger after exactly one year, I proclaimed His faithfulness through speaking and writing.
As faithful as God has been, why in the world would I doubt?
Matthew 14:31, “Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'” ESV
MY ITTY BITTY FAITH
For a moment, I lost my focus. Honestly, it wasn’t pretty. My friends and family quickly reminded me of important truths to center me.
- God is not surprised, He knew this would happen.
- He will use it for good.
- He is always faithful.
- He is the Great Physician.
They’re right you know. And many of their words sounded vaguely familiar…
Matthew 17:20, “He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'” NIV
THEN WHY WAS I A HEAP OF TEARS?
One year ago, I struggled to walk, get dressed or eat. Too weak to drive my car and requiring a wheelchair in public places, I was handicapped. I would tell you my faith is not in modern medicine brought to me courtesy of my benevolent insurance company, but the truth is when they sat down and decided the pricey infusions, I get every three weeks weren’t worth the expense, I crumbled.
Psalm 141:8, “But my eyes look to You, Lord God. I seek refuge in You; do not let me die.” HCSB
PULLING THE PLUG
I’m way too expensive. Apparently my life is not worth the cost. I admit, my melt down exposed a chink in my armor. I panicked. God allowed my ugly doubts to rise to the surface in order to reveal my weakness.
Where was my trust?
Hosea 10:13, “You thought you could do it all on your own, flush with weapons and manpower.” MSG
COSTLY
It was a wise financial decision for the company, after all, they are a business. They have to count costs and let’s face it, I am a liability not an asset. The word catastrophic probably applies. Fortunately I was surrounded by wise people and they were right. It all got worked out pretty quickly. A knight in shining armor rescued me so I can continue the necessary medical treatments.
When you cannot think straight, make sure you are surrounded by people who speak truth into your life Click To TweetLuke 14:28, “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” NIV
I AM WORTH IT
My faith ought to be in the only One who is ever-faithful. I must confess my moment of despair stemmed from doubt, lack of faith and focus. Now that God allowed it to erupt to the surface, I resolve to fix my eyes on the author and perfecter of my imperfect faith.
Jesus is the perfecter of my imperfect faith #fixmyeyes #trust #rtp Click To TweetUltimately, Jesus thinks I am worth it and He was willing to die to prove it.
You may feel unworthy.
Others may even treat you as unworthy.
But you are worth everything to God.
And He knows the end of your story.
John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” KJV
Do you have people in your life to help you stay focused?
Today is a good day to tell them thanks.
amen sister! i pray for contentment in my life every day.
Keep praying. Keep focused
Vickie, I got the diagnosis of peritoneal carcinoma. I’ve been seeing doctors and having blood tests all that time. God is reminding that times are in His hands. I still have not had surgery or treatment because I have to have another biopsy. I’m walking, no waddling, around like a pregnant 70 yr old with no prize at the end! You encourage me so much. Thank you. And thank you for reminding me to thank the ones who are holding up my arms in the battle.
So sorry to hear this! Praying for you. My friends mother was diagnosed with that about 5 years ago Hope you do as well as she has
We don’t know about tomorrow BUT we know who holds our hands!!!! God only wants the best for His children… sometimes that means putting us over the fire to bring up those impurities we need to work on with His strength. I know the test of fire and my failures — I praise GOD for grace and mercy!!!!
Yes. Praise is always the right response
Trying to continue in faith in Christ as so far after almost 11 months no diagnosis. Sent to be tested for Myasthenia Gravis. EMG shows no MG, nerve or muscle disease. Still have blood work out and see doctors in couple days. A trial of generic Mestinon got me thru some hard times. Currently not on any and have some improvement but don’t know why except prayers. But at least I’m not stuck in bed between 3-8 hours bearly able to stay on my legs to getting to the bathroom and not enough strength to push laptop keys when thinking I could do that at least for time to pass but couldn’t. Now I can drive within my 35 mile an hour small town and made my second trip to Walmart in 10 months a few days ago. Prayer and the passage of time are the only things that I know of that’s changed this so far. Hopefully I will get to know what has been happening. MM
I forgot to say, I’m so happy you had a knight in shining armor help you! I’m so happy the medication is helping as what I have read about MG and what little bit of what I’ve experienced whatever I’ve had, I know it doesn’t compare to so many others. We can be strong and still wet the pillows and still be having faith in His hands. He knows our hearts and loves us as we bring whatever we can to Him only He can make up the rest. I’ve hear of others with insurance problems because of this costly problem. It’s painful and frustrating even with understanding. I pray you will continue to have what is needful! I’m new to the site and have appreciated your blog posts. Thank you!
I love the way you said that. “We can be strong and still wet the pillows!” Bless you and hope you get answers soon