Strength is measured in how you handle weakness.
I’m trying to find the sweet spot; the balance between love and hate. I hate it but I need it. Since I apparently can’t function without it, I’m learning to live with it. Strength is measured in how you handle weakness.
ANDRENALINE
Although I haven’t been on a roller coaster since I developed myasthenia gravis, I love the feel of wind in my hair and adrenaline in my veins. The beating of wings in my stomach just before the car reaches the peak and plummets down the big drop gives me a rush. Except I am stuck there. Welcome to the world of steroids. Stuck at the top, anticipating the thrill but the thrill never becomes reality and the feeling never goes away. It robs my sleep, it robs my bones and to be honest, it makes me a little nutty at times. I suppose there is a reason it’s called an emotional roller coaster. I love roller coasters, but not emotional ones and I hate prednisone.
1 Peter 4:12-13, “Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.”MSG
NECESSARY EVIL
A couple of months ago I was riding my bicycle short distances and I hiked to Hawksbill Crag, then I got cocky. Six days late on my IVIG infusion and and determined to wean off prednisone, my optimism convinced me remission was around the corner. When I thought I was strong, I got weaker, not just physically. Now I know, the evil steroids are necessary and I must stay tethered to the pump on a pole for seven hours every three weeks. Period.
James 1:2, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.” ESV
TETHERED
The key to finding joy in trials is to stay tethered to the One who knows your pain, knows your limitations and suffered innocently so we wouldn’t be separated eternally. As soon as I get stronger I tend to drift. I think I can forgo the remedy. It’s the nature of the beast-the disease and my spiritual walk. So I get out my Bible, my index cards and my prayer journal and attach myself to Jesus Christ. Some days I just need a little more tape. My heart is prone to wander and must be tightly bound.
1 Peter 4:1, “Therefore, since Christ suffered in the flesh, equip yourselves also with the same resolve-because the one who suffered in the flesh has finished with sin.” HCSB
FIX MY EYES
My moon face is gone though I still cringe when I see photos of myself. Sorry, I’ll work on the sin of vanity another day. By the way, is that camera lying or did someone take me apart like Mrs. Potato Head and put my eyes back on all wonky? Goodness, I think I’ll throw the mirror away. I admit I am dependent. I resolve to look up and focus on the joy.
Hebrews 12:2, “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”NASB
ENDURE
At 5 milligrams of prednisone the diabetes melted away and the fatigue was conquered, but I couldn’t do anything. I know I look normal, you can’t tell when I am struggling to chew meatloaf. When I had to rest after applying makeup it was time to make friends with my enemy, so I increased the dose. I want to live a little. Actually, I’m greedy. I want to be strong and firm and steadfast-physically and spiritually. Oddly, It requires complete dependence.
1 Peter 4:10, “And the god of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” NIV
We all have weaknesses. We all need to be tethered to Christ. He is strong and able to hold us together. Storms are inevitable and some are hurricanes. Make sure you are tightly bound to the Rock. Anchor yourself to Him and you will survive. So will I.
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Thank you for sharing your struggles. While mine are different, I have them, and there are days I need a little more tape, too. I’ve taken steroids for an extended period in the past, so I understand your situation. I pray they will do their job with fewer side effects and that eventually, you can tell them goodbye.
Thank you. It’s a journey but I think I’m doing better so I will live here awhile. Bless you