Somewhere in my twenties I found a rock-solid confidence that lasted for three decades. Then the earth quaked under my feet and nothing felt rock-solid anymore. Not even my faith.
Faltering faith
Realizing that God has better plans for me is rebuilding my faith, but still, I can’t quite shake this insecurity. Stuck between writing drafts and pushing publish on my words feels way too personal. Vulnerability is a bit repulsive, so I’ve stuffed feelings and sat on thousands of words; paralyzed by an unwelcome fear.
The fear of not enough
The only time I remember feeling this way before was sitting on the couch with an open anatomy book in my lap and a cadaver waiting for me to correctly identify every nook and cranny of her formaldehyde infused flesh and bone. Paralyzed by fear, I didn’t think I had it in me to walk into that gross anatomy exam with all the people in my medical school class, obviously smarter than me.
Fear greater than faith
Eventually, I got up and drove to school. But now, it’s my written words pushing back, taunting me and tempting me to hide. Last year’s advice seems trite and pat Bible answers aren’t anything everybody doesn’t already know. Rolling my soul’s eyes when confronted with truth, it didn’t seem to work for me anymore.
“Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalm 27:4 (NLT)
Not me
Stuck between heartbreak and healing, I had trouble finding anything TO say. Besides, I didn’t want to be that girl anymore – the one struggling with loneliness, rejection, unforgiveness, resentment and control; the one whose heart was broken by betrayal and the chronic disease that no one sees. That’s ok, I didn’t want anyone to see. There’s a lot I don’t want you to see.
Words
Maybe, if I didn’t write it, it wasn’t true. Maybe I’m tough and strong and unscarred from trauma if I don’t admit otherwise. Yes, I quit writing when more people unsubscribed than subscribed. My confidence shaken, it seemed my words had little effect on me, much less anyone else.
Unstuck
But here you are. You stuck with me while I wavered between fear and faith. Like a tow truck pulling me out of the muck, you kept reading and encouraging, waiting for me to find the motivation to share what I hope points you to hope. I guess you know what it’s like to be stuck between here and there.
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:4 (NLT)
And here I am baring my soul. Thanks for your patience.
VIckie, Not many of us are courageous enough to share that we are stuck, let alone what we are going through. Thank you for being open to share what God lays on your heart. Many times, you have lifted me with your words (God’s words) at the exact time I needed them. Donna
I remember how terrified you were before every single test in medical school. I was there. But you didn’t quit. You pushed forward and took those tests despite your fear and finished medical school well, got the residency that you wanted and the career that was meant for you! Again, I was there…I saw it. I can’t even imagine the trauma and hurt you have been through, but your friends haven’t abandoned you and God certainly hasn’t. He has great plans for you and ALL things (even the most horrific) work for good for those that love the Lord according to His purpose. You have been an inspiration to so many. Hang in there and we are here to hear what you have to say when you start writing again. Love you, sweet friend.
Yes, thank you for being there. I am not alone! Love you
Thank you for your words. Thank you for giving even when you didn’t feel like it. God has used you to bless me.
Then it’s worth it
Keep writing your words! Your honest, vulnerable, heartfelt, faithful, searching words lead to our Savior and our God.
I love seeing your posts pop up in my email because I am certain you are writing to me. Sorrow fills my heart over my own family, and I cry for God’s will to soften hearts, for forgiveness, and for my faith to soar as it once did. But my daily reminder hanging on my wall is “If not, He is still good.” Your words are never trite…I need those reminders! Thank you for your honestly and willingness to share your vulnerability.
Vickie – I identify with so much of what you write. Thank you for your honesty and transparency even (especially) with the hard stuff and the questions, the disappointment and doubt. I am thankful for your honesty and the way your writing encourages me! Keep writing! I especially needed to hear this today – God’s timing is perfect!!
For many years I thought everyone else had it all together and that actually discouraged me because I didn’t. When I figured out that we all struggle, it was important to me to share that because this side of heaven we never arrive
Dear friend,
I look forward to the words that you share.
They form a bond between us and also connect us to each other and to our savior, Jesus.
That is a beautiful gift.
I feel like I know you, even though we only met once, 23 years ago when you delivered my oldest granddaughter. I’m sure God has and continues to use you more than you know. You motivate me every time I read your messages. God bless you.
That is the best compliment ever!